Friday, August 14, 2009

(1) 08/14/09 Talking to God.

I just woke up about an hour ago. But I neded to type this now before it left my mind.

Talking to God when you first wake up is the PERFECT START for the day. I feel so much better today than I have been feeling the whole week. It is awesome.


It is amazing what prayer can do!!!!!


Thursday, August 13, 2009


Idk what to say about today. Lazy.....Hurtful...Angry.....LAZY......unclean needing shower lol. I REALLY needed a shower and didn't get to get one till about 6:30 I think lol.

I got mad about somethings....ALOT of things. I realized that I get mad at my sister but of things (I think) she gets away with and (I feel) I get/got in trouble for. Like the scraps thing. I always got yelled at if it wasn't done. Tiffany doesn't. I am usually the one telling her to do it and I get yelled at for telling her to do it. Tiffany will fuss and yell at me when I ask her to do her job and there for I get yelled at. I know I KNOW she does it on purpose. I know she will fuss just so i will get in trouble. That is cuz she knows it will work.

She don't like doing her job. Neither do I but I try to make myself do it. I have to tell her to do hers because I WILL NOT DO IT FOR HER!!!!!!!! If I do it for her one time she will expect it every time.

I blame her for alot of my problems. And I shouldn't!!!! I know I don't need to blame her but I do. I have many issues about that kinda stuff. I guess it is just that sibling rivalry thing lol. either needs to stop!! I love my sister. I LOVE MY SISTER!!! But with everything going on, Anger issues, ect. I just cant stand her sometimes.

God help me with my anger issues!!!!

Other that all the anger and such, I started thinking about....lets call him Mark.....again and i realized a few things. God's Will vs. my will. Idk what his is and I know what mine is. Sometimes lol. I like "Mark" alot.....ALOT.....WAY TO MUCH!!! lol.

He don't like me tho. Mark is in the same position I am in. the only people who like him are the people he don't like at all. (that is how I feel anyway...idk if it is fact) The only guys that have actually liked me are guy I DON'T like. This one dude idk why he likes me but he has liked me for awhile and I have told him (nicely) that I don't like him and he still tries to get me to like him BUT I DON'T!!!! He still tries to ask me out....or say something like...when are you going to let the man of your dreams take you out....or something like...when me and you get together...or stuff like that. I told him i only liked him as a friend. I told him one time when I was going through some thing that I loved him. He helped me out when I thought no one else was there. He was a good friend and that is all I want!!!

I did like him at one time.....but I stopped when I felt like all he was doing was lying to me. Plus he is sort of like my sister. ( a whole new mess right there )

Well all I need to end this right here and go and clean the kitchen!! Been a lazy day. I didnt get up untill about 4:30pm.

God help me to understand your will. Help me to know what I am supposed to do. Helpme to learn. Help me to learn the differance between your will and mine.

Help me to know your voice~!~ Amen


Wednesday, August 12, 2009


Today I didn't get out of bed untill.....4:30pm.......yah me

Church was pretty good tonight. It was about making choices. Like choices to get out of ironic. lol.

How about that? Hmm.....Sometimes it is hard to make that choice. But the choice I can make is whether or not I want to service God with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength. AND I DO!!!!

But how exactly do I do that?

Help me Lord to understand/learn the things I NEED to do. Help me Lord to realize when I do wrong. Help me Lord.......just help me....Amen

Victoria M. Clouse


Nothing much to say about today. Lazy pretty much sums it up!

Monday, August 10, 2009

08/10/ yuck lol

Today is the day I really decided to do my school work. To GET IT DONE AND OVER WITH!!!!

I have decided to do it many days before.....but today is the day IT WILL BE DONE!!!

Math will be hard to finish. But I need to learn it cuz it is in EVERYTHING we do. EVERYTHING!!! Add, subtract, divide, and multiply I know how to do. But all the percentages and such like it.....I get stuck on trying to figure it out.

I love and hate math. Somethings I can do in my head easily, but otherthings I will sit there for an hour trying to figure it out.

I CAN DO IT!!!! I know I can. It will just take some time to get it done RIGHT!!

School........YUCKY!!! Money.......YAH!!! lol School = diploma....Diploma = job.....Job= money

School.....YEA!!!! HAHA This is going to be fun lol.

I made me a schedule today for getting up and school and other things. I am going to make it fun by having Art and Music "classes".

Art is where I will stop and draw or read for about 30 Min's - 1 hour.

Music is where I will practice my guitar or listen to music for about 1 hour.

I need to make a PE class lol......maybe it will get me losing some weight lol.

I am also going to make it to where if I don't do my work I wont have my "classes".
Fun!!! lol

I cant wait till tomorrow cus that is when I will start it lol!!

Sunday, August 9, 2009

08/09/09.....Sunday Service

WOW!!!! The services today were awesome. God moved in a mighty way!!!

Happy Birthday to Kristen. I love you (they had her a party today)

I love church lol.

Saturday, August 8, 2009


I just got out of bed like an hour 9:14.....Lazy much lol.

Idk why I only just now got out of bed. I was actually awake around 5:30 I just didnt get up.

But today/tonight is the first time I'm going to be writing in my food journal. Ya! lol.

I'm not going to like it very much said I got to do it lol...Wish me luck!!!


Well the doctor said that I needed to lose weight and that will solve most of my problems.

My hormone level was normal which seemed really weird to me lol. My blood presser was good...129/79 I think...(I'm writing this blog more then 24 hours later so I don't remember it very well)

My cholesterol was really bad. 145 the good and 275 the bad. Or visa versa lol....(like I said 24 hours ago) My sugar was normal too which was another surprise to me. So all i need to do is lose about 100 pounds or at least get to150 in my weight. Good news is I had lost 6 pounds in I think 2 weeks. Bad news was I wasn't eating like I should have so idk.

But I know I can do it. I'm just a lil scared about a few things but I know I can do it lol

Victoria M. Clouse

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Day 1....08-06-09

Today was hard. Idk exactly what happened. But something did.

I went into a DEEP depression. IDK WHY THO!!!!

It just happened. I didn't want to get up out of bed all I wanted to do was lay there. And that is all I did. I tried to get up and stay up around...12:30. But it didn't work out that way. I got on my myspace and checked everything. (I think it was this guy I'm trying to talk to....he didn't seem interested then it seems that he is....idk but I was depressed after reading and seeing it)

I couldn't even get up to pray. It was really bad. I got my MP3 player and put on some rock music. It helped a little bit but then a song cam on "Will you" by P.O.D. and I broke down.

I crawled into a ball and laid there for what seemed like forever. I started shaking a little bit. I listened to my MP3 and just laid there. I felt like God was playing a trick on me. I felt that NOBODY CARED AT ALL!!!! I wanted to cut myself...I wanted to die. I wanted to go back into my little world and NEVER come back out.

But I knew that if I did I would be letting the devil win. I laid there till about 30 Min's ago. Till about 7:00 give or take a few Min's. I laid there and cried.....slept.....thought about God...Thought about that guy......Thought about him being here with me.....wishing someone would come up here and hug on me and never let go.....Wanting....NEEDING....HURTING......Just like the song said.

I stayed in that little ball for more than 3 hours. I sat there and did nothing but think and listen to "Will you".

Then I started praying and talking to God.....First for others.....then for myself. And I told him i was hurting and I started to feel better.

All God wanted was for me to confide in him. To tell him I was hurting. " have not because you ask not..." The bible says it. I didn't ask for help all I did was lay there and sulk.

Thank you Jesus for being there when I thought know one was. Thank you Lord for keeping me safe. Thank you Lord for letting me know you were there. Thank you Lord for the knowledge of you. Thank you Jesus for the Cross. Thank you Jesus for Dieing for me. Thank you Lord for forgiveness.

Victoria M. Clouse