Thursday, August 6, 2009

Day 1....08-06-09

Today was hard. Idk exactly what happened. But something did.

I went into a DEEP depression. IDK WHY THO!!!!

It just happened. I didn't want to get up out of bed all I wanted to do was lay there. And that is all I did. I tried to get up and stay up around...12:30. But it didn't work out that way. I got on my myspace and checked everything. (I think it was this guy I'm trying to talk to....he didn't seem interested then it seems that he is....idk but I was depressed after reading and seeing it)

I couldn't even get up to pray. It was really bad. I got my MP3 player and put on some rock music. It helped a little bit but then a song cam on "Will you" by P.O.D. and I broke down.

I crawled into a ball and laid there for what seemed like forever. I started shaking a little bit. I listened to my MP3 and just laid there. I felt like God was playing a trick on me. I felt that NOBODY CARED AT ALL!!!! I wanted to cut myself...I wanted to die. I wanted to go back into my little world and NEVER come back out.

But I knew that if I did I would be letting the devil win. I laid there till about 30 Min's ago. Till about 7:00 give or take a few Min's. I laid there and cried.....slept.....thought about God...Thought about that guy......Thought about him being here with me.....wishing someone would come up here and hug on me and never let go.....Wanting....NEEDING....HURTING......Just like the song said.

I stayed in that little ball for more than 3 hours. I sat there and did nothing but think and listen to "Will you".

Then I started praying and talking to God.....First for others.....then for myself. And I told him i was hurting and I started to feel better.

All God wanted was for me to confide in him. To tell him I was hurting. " have not because you ask not..." The bible says it. I didn't ask for help all I did was lay there and sulk.

Thank you Jesus for being there when I thought know one was. Thank you Lord for keeping me safe. Thank you Lord for letting me know you were there. Thank you Lord for the knowledge of you. Thank you Jesus for the Cross. Thank you Jesus for Dieing for me. Thank you Lord for forgiveness.

Victoria M. Clouse

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